Poppy Mare

Too good to be true? Nope!

2010-04-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

http://apple.freebiejeebies.co.uk/257852

I know, it seems fishy and I'll admit, I wasn't too fond of it. But I did my research and yes. This DOES work. Try it out!!

Sitting in the Middle of Chaos

2010-04-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, in college.

At the moment, I'm wondering what to do. I want to write, blog, see videos, and just be creative for once. Like, OVERTLY creative.

Why? I get the feeling that god is hating on me at the moment, because it seems I can't BLOG IN PEACE.

People looking over my shoulder, reading my thoughts, knowing that I WANT YOU DEAD, DAMMIT!

In the end, I guess I can't do much.

-Poppy

How I Sadly Want My Life to Be:

2010-04-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

NOTHING BUT EPICNESS!!

When You Guys Can't Make up Your Mind...

2010-04-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

You guys drive me insane!!

Sometimes it's understandable. You are at the middle of a conflict, used as a double agent, a spy, or an alibi.

But then there's the indecisive bastards. That's right. You know who you are (and if you don't, well... you fucking suck) and it pains me to say the following: While the situation may be none of my "fucking business" it is my business on what you do to my friends. The mental and emotional damage is growing and while you have your little sexcapades, I'm the one left picking up the broken pieces.

I heal the damaged people. You don't. You think it's for the best, but it's not. At the LEAST, it is nothing more than a coward's move.

But what do I know? I've never been in a relationship. I've never been "in love." So how then, can I say it's wrong to fool so many people?

I can't. But it's simple LOGIC, people. Use your heads!! D:< [Fumes.]

Bah! I'm done ranting. And if you read this and know what I'm talking, do me a favor and pretend you didn't. Okay? I don't feel like having to hear anymore bullshit excuses.

-Poppy Mare

Blue and Anime, Rolled Into One

2010-04-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

Becoming More, and More...

2010-03-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Aggressive. Rude. Tired, and unwilling.

Well yesterday I snapped. I got to thinking about my past and simply reverted back to my lovely King Middle School self.

What am I to do? All I know is that Maria, Momo, nor my Mother would have not liked to see that.

So I decided on something. I will start taking pictures. And, as much as I hate to say it, spend less time on Judo. I want to practice. I want to get better, but how will that happen now? I have an officially broken family, no hope of being happy for a while, and not losing my mind is a torture I do not want to think about.

-Poppy

Thoughts

2010-03-09T17:33:00.001-08:00

So today there was a girl (she looked a lot younger than I thought) that shared with us a little bit about her life. As it was, she was a single mother of one, worked 30hrs a week, and is a full time student with 17 units. (Go Girl!)

We were talking about this, mainly because we all wanted to know what our social statuses are. There are our Master Status, our Achieve Status, and our Ascribed status.

For example, I have mainly three statuses. My Master is being an older sister, which is an Ascribed status, because it wasn't like I had a choice in the matter. My other statuses are being a friend, and a student, both achieved statuses.

But what do I want my status to be?

A friend, a lover, a writer, a hero, a supporter, a warrior, a dependable person.

So, how do I ACHIEVE these goals? What are my motivations?

I look to books. They have lived longer than me and my parents. They have been there since man could write. These are the sources of my motivation.

To achieve them I have my steps. College and study and such. It'll take some time and hard work, but I think I can pull it off. I've made it this far, right?

-Poppy

I feel like...

2010-02-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

I'm a notebook filled with everyone else's stories.

No joke. My mother just spent the entire drive here to school, telling me about how she thinks dad is cheating on her with some lady in El Salvador.

At the same time, my best friends are "cool" with one another again. I know it's a bit stupid of me to be mad at this, but I want them to simply be friends or whatever a couple, just without the problems I know this will entail.

I doubt my friends would tell me.

I love my life.

Onto bigger and brighter things, I spent last night thinking about the way [I] spend time with my friends. Am I worth all this? Basically I'm asking, do I deserve the life I have now. Right now, I'm afraid that I might lose everything I have and start over, since my mother wants to move out of the state if her claims are true. She isn't going to stay.

I won't either.

...but I will not leave.

Ugh, my head. What am I going to do? Or world, what shall I do? Part of me wants to scream, "SHAZZAM!" and see if things are okay again. ;-; I want to soooo badly. But right now I'm just tired, used, crumpled, stepped on, and discarded.

I now know how a piece of candy wrapper feels like.

-Poppy

And So...

2010-02-14T02:35:00.000-08:00

College begins. The fact that my first week is up and gone made me so sad. I love being at school. Mainly for the fact that I don't have to stay home. When this is all over... I don't know what I'll do. Hopefully will be as much fun as this.

Anyways, I believe today's Valentine's Day. I'm on the laptop at 2:30 in the morning writing this. Why? Cuz I can and this is the only thing that will keep my head off the damned holiday. My friends all have someone. Well except Momo, but I don't think it counts since she's still got something "special" planned (she's getting high). But what about me? Who will be willing to spend a whole day with Poppy for Valentine's Day? WITHOUT being a last resort, please!

I'm sorta happy that there is no school tomorrow, because that way I don't get to see those couples exchange teddy bears, candy, and the oh-so-sweet hugs and kisses that come along with the holiday. To be honest, I never had a REAL V-Day. When I was with Brian for that long year, I didn't do anything special with or for him. And vice versa.

But whatever. It's better than getting a Valentine Card with a Gorge crossed out and under it there be your name (I shit you not, this is what I MOSTLY got).

Now about my current state of well being. I'm happy that school started, but I've suddenly found myself debating on whether or not I should quit Kung-Fu. Lately, I've had small experiences in which I feel small and vulnerable in that class. I still like to perform to the techniques when I am home alone, so I know it's not the martial art. It's something about the class. Maybe the way it sorta feels like Mitchelletorena (oh my god, I can't remember how to spell my elementary school!! ;-; FORGIVE ME MS. INMAN!!) or King. And that's a no-no.

Well, I guess I'll give myself sometime to think it over at the park or something.

Onto another subject!!

Projects.

I'm working on several projects at the moment. Some of them are material projects and others are more physical. But if all goes, I'll be able to reveal most of my projects by August. :) I can guess what you're probably thinking though. "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING THAT'S GOING TO TAKE SO DAMN LONG!?

I got one thing to say to that: Wait.

-Poppy Mare

2010-01-26T22:21:00.001-08:00

Hey, sorry about not posting here for a while. The only thing I think that could justify this is the fact that I've been writing in my journal as daily as possible. :) Just hang on, I'll post something tomorrow, so yeah. :3

NEW KNIFE!

2010-01-08T21:51:00.001-08:00

This is my new knife. :3 this be my baby from now on. I feel safe for once. Even walking out on my own.

-Poppy Mare

OMFG!

2010-01-08T21:28:00.000-08:00

I am such a fucking girl. Really. A "blush?" How the fuck does that happen?

Anyways, I don't have my journal with me right now, but I'm going to write from the "heart" today. So let's pick a topic and just rant, okay?

Looks. Appearances. Beauty.

Basically the exterior shell of a person.

At what point does that "not really matter?"

How do I know for sure, that what people is the solid truth?

Recently I've been having issues with my appearance. I want to be a girl, but not too girly to the point that it's "Eew." I want to be able to mingle with guys and have them see me as a person. Not just "a girl."

I grew up, hearing people call me ugly, fat, slut, whore, bitch, cunt, fugly, chimpy, icky, you name it. I know for a FACT that I'm not attractive. I have no sex-appeal whatsoever. If anything, I can plainly see it in other girls.

Now recently I'm being hit on, flirted, and I don't know what else. But a really close friend on mine told me that I was changing. When I asked my friend how so, they only said that they didn't know. I just was.

When I get compliments, I can't help but think that they say it because they feel sorry for me. If I hear it, I won't believe it. If I get with a guy, I know a part of me will doubt if my partner got with me because they were desperate.

I just won't believe.

I'm not sure what to do. I want to try t be girly, but at the same time, I want to be a person. How do I do that?

How do I get people to simply be kind, and sweet to me?

-Poppy Mare

PS: I've been wanting a hug from someone warm for a long time now. And not just any hug. I want a time consuming, warm, heavy hug. I want to snuggle someone. I feel lonely. :(

2010-01-02T22:44:00.001-08:00

Okay then, so this is what's up. My mind is hurting due to the fact the my best friend is losing it, my mother is depressed, my dad nowhere around, my brother annoying as all hell, and lastly: I feel alone. I can't decribe the anger that goes through me when I see people with their significant others and just flaunting them in front of others. I can't say how much I hate it when people describe their girls with traits that I know I personally have.

Wanna know why? Because it makes me wonder why no guy, or girl, sees that in me. It's not that I want those people, or that I'm jealous of the girls. It's more like when a guy or girl says how kind she is, or how much into reading and writing she is, I think, "I do it more to the point where I MAKE my own stories. And yet you don't notice.

...basically, I feel ignored and alone. No one cares about me or if I get hurt, mentally or physically.

Yeah. That's all I feel like bitching about for today.

-Poppy Mare

New Years Resolution

2010-01-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

Well this is going to be a significantly short post, considering I can't really think at the moment (I'm currently working on a story. It will be edited and polished and posted to MIH this coming Thursday. Yes, that's right. I FOUND A MUSE).

But anywho.

I sat down and thought about my new year resolution. And it's long, so I won't bother posting them one by one. All one needs to know is that it will consists of more posts and more stories. :)

That's all I can say at the moment. Night.

-Poppy Mare

2009-12-29T14:27:00.001-08:00

Ever had that feeling that you're being used. Ever been used and knew it as it was happening? It's not a nice feeling, let me tell you that much. It's creepy and violating and horrible.

Why am I even stating the obvious? You can say it's so that people know how easy it is to use me. How easy it is for me to dislike people. I guess that's all I have in my ming for now. Bye bye.

-Poppy

Just Testing Something Out

2009-12-24T22:10:00.000-08:00

It's vital, for tomorrow.

Holidays Help - A LOT, Part: 2

2009-12-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

Since it is Christmas Eve, I will finish all the bad things I've done and tomorrow I promise to have a wonderfully light story for you. (And I never break a Promise.)

8th grade: (continued)

Shortly after the folder incident, we had a project we had to do. But the thing was that it was going to graded by the entire class. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I realized my group had to grade possibly the only "failed" groupd in our class. It wouldn't be a problem, but since I was going to grade, you see, I was surely going to be punished. When the teacher asked me what grade the group deserved (which was a Fail) I looked around and felt those stares. I smiled weakly and said, a B. The teacher frowned and asked me again. Again a B, I said. She threatened to fail me for my part of the project (which was a lot), if I wasn't fair with the grading. Everyone was still glaring at me and I felt my eyes water. The stress was getting to me. I didn't want to fail, but I didn't want to be the bad guy either. When the teacher called my name I just snapped. I yelled, "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" and got up and ran out of the class.

9th-10th grade:

I thought I was going to die. Another four years? I just survived the last three by a string. How the fuck was I going to make it here? Fortunately, it was during this time that I met some decent people. People like Momo, Kenia, Nicolei, Monique, Ariel (my old crush), Lulu, and others. (This is also when I believe I met Leo, my best friend's boyfriend at the time -I fucking hated his guts. x3 Look at me now. :P-) These were people who somewhat defined the rest of me. I feel like all the bad thing about me, are from what I got from middle school. (I'm sarcastic to people, I tend to be mean, and keep my distance.) The good things are from the people who know me to a point where they can piece me together.

There were an small events that happened though that wheeled me back to the drawing board. Martin, a classmate from middle school loved to be funny at other people's expense. I was walking to my class one day when he spotted me. He soon followed and kept repeating, "Leave me alone," in a mocking tone. I ignored him, but as soon as I was in a restroom I cried like I never cried before.

Another incident that happened was in ninth grade. I almost forgot how Libby looked like when I saw her coming towards me. My insides twisted. She was smiling awkwardly and asked to speak to speak to me in private. as soon as we were alone, she began to hit me and then ran off, not really leaving any evidence behind of what happened. I never got near her again. (But chances are that I would still try to talk to her. Even now.)

11-12th grade:

Drama. I've seen all before in middle school and seeing it tear apart those around me was nothing but torture. But then I realized, it was like a test to see who were really meant to survive in this world. I'm not sure if I failed or passed, but all I do know is that if the majority lost their sanity during this time, I'm sure I'm practically INSANE.

There you go. A small history of the things most people would call friends. Now, go fuck off.

I'm joking. I feel lighter today. Like I accomplished something great. Something... deep? Nah. More like revealing. Yeah, let's go with that.

Anyways, I want to wish all of you, my readers, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

-Poppy Mare

Holidays Help - A LOT, Part: 1

2009-12-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

Let me explain.

So basically, half of this year has been nothing but turmoil. I couldn't really control my feelings and I would basically shiver and shake at the thought of another human being -other than my best friend- getting close enough to know me.

Why?

Because every time I made a best friend, something would go horribly wrong.

So this Christmas, I'm going to go back in time and basically open up publicly about most of my issues that I've had with so called friends.

K-4 grade:

I was basically learning English since both of my parents were immigrants. This, I think, led me to being an outcast since most of my classmates knew English and meeting a girl spoke differently was just weird. I was weird. English was a hard language for me to learn and I distinctly remember an incident when a girl came up to me and said, "Say 'cheater' right and you can play with us." I thought it was just a kind gesture and I did. Back then though, I really couldn't separate the 'ch' with 'sh' so I ended up saying, "sheater." Everyone laughed at me, and for the first time in my life, I was convinced that a best friend was something I could never get.

5th grade:

A big change in my life. I can finally speak the language well and even better than most kids my age around the time. I even made a best friend: Libby, a girl who sat next to me and basically got me involved with the other kids. I felt like I was saved, that finally someone was able to love me. I swear, with all my heart and soul, I loved the girl (not in a romantic way) so much that once when there was a shooting, and everyone was under their desk, crying in fear, I was next to Libby. I was crying and so was she. I remember holding tightly to her, and she said in a little voice, "I don't wanna die." I didn't hesitate to answer, "Don't worry. If I have to die to save you, I will." and meant it. I kissed her cheek, to show how much I cared for her. I know it may sound stupid, but I was ready to take a bullet for possibly the only person (other than my parents) that loved me. That was the first -and only- time I was ready to die for a person. Shortly after that, she suddenly hated me and it got bad to the point where I didn't want to go back to school. Libby hated me to the point where she made threats to kill me, and I remember begging her to tell me what I did so horribly wrong. Graduation was the last time I ever really hugged the girl. I was fooled and thought she forgave me.

6th grade:

I have no friends once more and it seemed Libby was not in my school. I didn't care at this point, people threw things at me and I took it as it came. I was teased, left alone and at some point, I considered suicide. The thing that stopped me? I was too fearful of pain. It hurt already too damned much to take pain from strangers. It seemed sorta meaningless for me to die by causing myself pain.

7th grade:

Cliques are something I never understood. I had trouble fitting in, so the moment I was offered another friend, I took it. They were three girls: Ariel, Jasmin, Tammy. They were there for me when boys pulled at my hair, but abandoned me when the other girls held me down and poured soda on me. They were there when I needed someone to talk to, but for some reason they dissappeared as soon as I "jumped" for a "make-over." They were kind to me, but then I would take my seat and see the words, "Go die. No one wants you. Bitch." written on my desk. In their writing. They never quite comforted me when I saw a crush of mine make an insult using my own name. It was saying, "Son of a Bitch," only with "Son of a [insert your name here]." Yay. Go, Love.

8th grade

On my own personal choice, I stopped being friends with them. I felt like a villain, but we have to be a bad guy at some point. I never felt like an outcast once more, when I opened a drawer and saw my folder, vadalized with insults for me to die. I reported it to the teacher (cuz they're your friends, right?) but I was punished instead because the dean thought I was the one who did it for attention. I was the one yelled at.

And this is where I leave part one for now. Come back for part two, later on (if I feel like it).

-Poppy Mare

What I Did Today.

2009-12-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well, in some sense, I can say I had a rude awakening of how my neighborhood is. All I can really say is that it's a very close knit community. And I mean that in a bad way.

It's close, because today some men tried breaking in. While I was home. Alone.

Needless to say, I was scared but what scared me more was that as the men were about to come in, I heard another voice say, "Don't go in! The girl's still inside!"

I heard the intruder say, "Oh shit," and then I heard scrambling like they were hoping off of something. During the whole entire time, I was in my parents bedroom holding onto a knife a friend of mine gave me.

This all happened in the morning. I didn't want to stay home after that. I left, went to Staples and hung out with Nicolei for a while. After that, Leo came by for a while and I told him about what happened. It's nice that he worries, but I wish someone would drop by and visit every single day. I just wish it wasn't him, because I would feel like I'm a burden or something.

I talked to Momo today about some more lighthearted things (that girl is my weakness I tell you) like how my MP3 officially died in the toilet (number 6? 7?).

Overall, it was fun yet I can't shake the fact that someone is watching me as I type this post.

God, I need to start my other blog once again.

-Poppy

JUDO!!

2009-12-18T09:56:00.000-08:00

This is my Judo class at LACC where I participated in my very first Judo tournament. The guy with the curly hair? He's my friend, Leo, an exceptional guy when it comes to being an ass. :)

I'll upload more, as soon as I can. :P

-Poppy Mare

2009-12-03T19:47:00.001-08:00

Man, I'm really tired right now. My self esteen is low and basically I feel like shit. I need to try and think about something good for once in my life. And not just try, I mean really, really try. Like, to the point where I might die or something.

Anyways, I made myself a journal and I'm really happy with the results. It came out nice and neat, and just overall awesome.

I guess that's all I have to say.

-Poppy Mare

2009-11-28T21:37:00.001-08:00

Sorry, I just can't believe that I can finally text!!

The Problem Persists, But Thankfully I Have Something Called Friends

2009-11-28T20:55:00.001-08:00

Well... It's official. I can't stand certain people for small reasons.

I - I just can't!! My mind is reeling with illness and I can't get a grip. Wednesday I almost threw up, due to the stress. I can't sleep. I'm constantly lying to my friends. I really don't feel well.

There's something that's bugging me. Why do people look at you and the opposite gender and think that you have to love that. For once, in a long while, I made a second deep bonding friend. He just happens to be a guy. Big deal.

But it is a big deal, however, when people are disturbing him and his girlfriend about it.

[Sigh.]

I'm also starting to develop trust issues again. Who would've thought that a 13 year old boy can spy on me? I didn't. But, all in all this has thought me something. I can't trust family OR friends. Only me and my journal.

So, let me say this correctly: Thank you, Journal.

-Poppy

First Email Message

2009-11-27T21:07:00.001-08:00

The surprises just keep coming!! It's amazing what connectivity can do for you!!

2009-11-27T20:30:00.001-08:00

When people can finally - FINALLY - read this, you should all know that I have texting. About time, dammit! So now I can more or less blog from anywhere, anytime, on anything. Ha ha! Hail freedom, bitches. The only down side is that I have a limit to how many letters I have. Can you believe that?

And When the Worst Hit, I am Shown a Bit of Light

2009-11-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

Recent days haven't been the best of times for me. Something embarrassed me, hurt me, or bothered me (what doesn't?) for quite some time now. But it wasn't until recently that I realized that I actually matter to people.

I honestly matter. A great deal.

I'm not trying to be emo or anything, but before as this negativity was happening, I honestly felt like I was nothing. That the reason this all happened to me was because I was like a parasite, annoying, and not really needed or wanted. I just took up space.

But A couple of friends have come up to me, looked at me sincerely in the eyes and thanked me, for being there. Thanked me for just breathing there with them.

I don't know. I guess I just really miss those days.

I need more friends.

-Poppy

What I Want...

2009-11-08T16:48:00.000-08:00

Recently I decided to try and think about what's what in my life. And sadly, this is what I got:

I want to hang out with my best friends, all in one spot. But I can't because of some stupid arguments.
I can't be friends with a person that's of the opposite sex without people getting the wrong idea.
Eating has become more and more of a chore.
Sleeping is more of a chore.
My writing Muse has left me.
I feel like I've gotten more and more agressive.
My own person is starting to bug me. How can I ditch myself?

-Poppy Mare

Let's Take a Seat and Take it All in, Okay?

2009-11-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

I am at my wits end. I cannot simply be friends with anyone of the opposite sex, without it meaning so much more. This wasn't an issue until a good friend of mine cried on her birthday. I felt so guilty. And the thing that gots to me was that I didn't know so I didn't know how to make it better.

Or if I had, I would have disappeared for the day and given them some private time.

Ugh.

I feel like, if I had a boyfriend then this wouldn't be an issue. I would just be friends with that person I am close to. But I can't just be with anyone, you know? I can't open up so easily. I just hope I meet someone in time to stop me from doing something I might regret.

But yeah.

Let's get this over with.

-Poppy

I Keeld Yo Momma, Biotch.

2009-10-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, the gangster thing just isn't me. Sadly. But at least I'm good. ANYWAYS...

I made some rules for myself. Maybe they're a tad bit extreme, bit they are necessary. I can't have myself causing problems for anyone but myself.

One of them is:

1.) When speaking to Momo or Leo, they may not mention the other's name. This rule is mainly for Momo, who keeps comparing me to Leo. She may not mean it, but it sorta gets to me. Leo doesn't compare me to Momo, but I feel I have to be fair. I can't mention their names to the other too, so we all win, eh?

2.) I am to not speak of anything that may bother me. Nothing at all. If anything is bothering me, I will simpl hold it in, until I have a breakdown of some sorts. This may seem like the not so smart thing for me to do, but I feel like I can't trust anyone. Also, I feel like everytime I open my big mouth, I cuase more problems for everyone. The sad thing is that this is mostly a trust issue. I don't like knowing that my parents are listening to everything I'm saying. It's not right.

The third rule is mainly for my two dear friends. Leo and Mary. They can choose if they want to follow it, but I simply say this as a way to avoid causing them problems; mainly Mary.

Otherwise, I'm good. I'm happy. I'm content.

If anything starts to bother me, well... You know.

-Poppy Mare

Good Credit, Here I Come!

2009-10-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

It's official. I'm getting a bank account on Tuesday. Meaning: Tomorrow!! The problem? The Halloween party is tomorrow, meaning that I'm going to have to miss it in order to get it.

[boo hoo]

Ahhh.... What am I going to do? I wanted to talk to someone about an issue I was having. I wanted to just... I don't know. Talk?

I love this loneliness. Really.

No not really.

-Poppy Mare

Night World

2009-10-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

What wouldn't I give to be able to wake in the night, and sleep during the day. Not to be a Vampire, or a goth or anything. Just that I like the night more than I do the day.

It's quiet, and peaceful. Secretive and hidden.

Everything yet nothing.

Dear god, I love the night.

-Poppy

Taking a Walk in the Night

2009-10-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I took a nice, long walk in the night. The sounds are different, the smell is nice, the air is cool and refreshing. My kind of thing.

My skin was tingling, because I didn't know what exactly to expect around this time. People think they can get away in the dark, or maybe the moon just causes us humans to react in strange ways.

I know how it affected one certain friend of mine.

But anyways. Onto more important things.

Like possibly being possessed. I don't mean the Exorcist-kind of possession, either. I mean the Night's-Just-Right-Kind.

I'm getting a muse, a whisper. A tickle on the insides of my brain.

An angel, a demon, a priest, a boy, a girl, a dance, death, and more.

Just little fragments of what I am thinking to write about. But I can't write this in the day. Oh no. The sun will let everyone see my mind. No, no. The moon. Yes. The moon is kinder than the sun. She knows I don't want others to see my writing yet.

She lets me stay up, writing and scribbling madly, to make the story just so. Just so. Pretty and perfect. Perfect and clean.

Okay. I'm starting to semi-rant now.

Goodnight.

-Poppy

Mental, Pysical, and Emotional Breakdowns...

2009-10-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

... are the worst.

I can't sleep. I feel pain. My eyes hurt.

The only thing I have to look forward to these days truly is Judo. Yesterday, I went to Kung-Fu and it was all fine - until I got a rather insulting phone call.

...I want blood.

Whoever it was that thought that calling me, singing a little jingle on a subject that's still sensitive, extremely personal, and humiliating was going to be funny...

It's not. Know that when you sleep, I will dream about beating you senseless. Know that when you breathe, I'll plot on how to make your life miserable. Know that simply being alive, I will come up with ways to make it so that you never existed.

To be honest, I've never been so mad to the point that I'd actually wish I WAS a guy, just so I can FUCK the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE in FRONT OF YOU.

But instead, I'm going to wait. Don't worry, buddy. Luck tends to be on MY SIDE and you WILL see what happens when you mess with a crazy bitch like me.

...I love people. I hate being hurt. I hate hurting.

Watch your back, fucker.

-Poppy

Tuesday = Funday

2009-10-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

Today I can honestly say that I had loads of fun and smiles. I was tickled, thrown, and actually got to hurt a good friend of mine (sorry about that, Leo!).

We started with the usual workout; jogging, side-stepping, shrimping, rolls, push-ups (god, I suck at those) and side falls. But then we got to the more fun part; learning a new technique (well, I got to practice it a while back, but I felt semi-confident with performing it). Morote-seoinage (I’m sure I somehow misspelled that) is similar to another technique we learned, so it was familiar ground, sorta.

Learning the technique and getting it down to be perfect is hard, but fuuuuun.

Oh so much fun.

In that class, I actually get the urge to jump someone and strangle him, but in there, it’s fine. In there, it’s welcomed.

God, I need to strangle something else right now! XD [runs to go strangle Jaime]

-Poppy

I Really Wish I Didn't Know

2009-10-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, stories are coming to me, left and right. I can't shake them off. I want to help people, want to believe them, want to be with them.

But now everything is falling apart and I feel like it's my fault.

I should have done this, said that.

I have very close friends who are currently not speaking to each other. I know it's not my business, but I really want them to just get over it. I want to hang with a group of friends who won't glare at one another. I want to go out without having to make a stupid diagram of who can't be with who. Watch. I'll mess up one day and it'll bite me in the ass. It's happened before.

But before that happens:

If you know who you are as I am writing this, please do not be angry at me for inviting the wrong person. You know I just wanna hang with everyone. I just want to have fun. If by some freak accident I set us up with your worst enemy, I'm sorry. I just have too much in my head already.

Onto another topic: Flirting/Whore/Friends/Trust

This is why I don't like talking to people about my issues. Because all I want to do is to get a load off my chest, but as soon as people realize what's going they want to help, or do something about it.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, PEOPLE!!

If I tell you something, like I might be beaten on so and so day, please - PLEASE - just leave it alone. The reason I am telling you that little tid bit of information is so that I can go on, knowing that if anything were to happen to me (which will not) then at least someone knows that had happened.

I want to trust people. But this is getting out of hand.

Also, I am not a whore, just because some guy talks to me. I am not flirting, just because your friend said so.

Take a good look at me as a person. Who will have me? I'm not the best looker, I don't like to be all girly, I do not drink, do drugs, or anything. I am the most boring girl you will ever meet. What kind of guy wants me? No one.

Unless, they're really desperate, but let's go on from that.

That's all I have to say for now. Yup. I feel better (slightly) now.

-Poppy

Since...

2009-10-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

Since livejournal was being such a bitch to me, I decided to move back to Blogger. It's together with my gmail account anyways. =)

And since it's hot and I don't want to talk about much (or at all for that matter) I must be going to sleep. Goodnight cruel world.

-Poppy